i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
