I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
