break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
