You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
