it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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