Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
