I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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