I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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