he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
