The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
