Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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