So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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