What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
