why didn't you poke me back
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
