New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
