Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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