There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
