i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
