On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
