Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
