Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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