taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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