he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
