Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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