Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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