One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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