I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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