i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
