Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
