i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
