Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
