He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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