I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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