He disabled his match.com account in front of me
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
