I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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