he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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