then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize