I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
