Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize