I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
