and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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