Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
