You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
