No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Your dad touched me again.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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