I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
