I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
