I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He better not be in your backpack
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
