my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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