You smell like a Billy Joel song
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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