watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
