i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize