i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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