There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This house was built for laser tag.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
