I just threw up on my dentist
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
