she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
