I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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