i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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