i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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