I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
