Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
