woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Your cock deserves a montage
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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