break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize