i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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