i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My dick has a subreddit
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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