The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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