I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
