Betty ford says i'm here all night
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
