I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
